Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
