I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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