dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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