we're chasing vodka with high fives
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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