So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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