i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize