Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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