I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
