It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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