I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
