All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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