My room smells like vodka and shame
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
