True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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