I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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