i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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