i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
