went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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