even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
