thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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