I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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