1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
