Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
