just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Randomize
