i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
even my farts smell like vagina
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
