omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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