Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
