Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
