Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
