Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My life is pants optional.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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