Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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