fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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