I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You ruined the universe
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