I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
