I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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