I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
