Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
