hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize