My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
