Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
