I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
