So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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