dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
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