6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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