there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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