you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
