You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
