I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Is it because I queefed?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
