I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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