he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
