the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
