I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
