Swine flu. Run for my life!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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