i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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