Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
