This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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