i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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