Do you still have your period?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
