Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
