im having a threesome with these popsicles
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
