i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
