This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
