i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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