hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
